The Stars Don't Speak, They Shuffle

 I’ve come to a brilliant, half-asleep revelation about zodiac prognostics. Ever noticed how most horoscopes are suspiciously positive? Like, “You're glowing today,” or “Big things are coming!” And if they dare mention something negative, it’s always for like two zodiac signs max—usually Scorpios or Geminis. Coincidence? Hmm.

Now, I’m no astrologer. I haven’t sacrificed sleep to study Mercury’s lunch break schedule or the Moon’s mood swings. But here’s my theory, fresh out of dreamland:

There are like 100–1000 generic texts sitting in an array somewhere. Each day, the system grabs a zodiac sign and randomly assigns one of those feel-good (or feel-bad-for-balance) blurbs. Maybe there’s even a “no repeats for 30 days” rule just to keep the illusion alive. But that’s it. That’s the whole magic.

It’s basically:

const zodiacs = [“Aries”, “Taurus”, …];

const messages = [“You’re amazing today!”, “Beware of exes”, …];

for (let i = 0; i < zodiacs.length; i++) {

   assign(zodiacs[i], getRandom(messages));

}

So yeah. It’s not the stars, it’s just a random ego boost generator for emotionally fragile humans with Wi-Fi.

Astrology? Nah, it’s just math... dressed in glitter, lying to egocentric motherfu—well, you get the idea.